LAST WILL AND TEMPERAMENT

performed by the Frantics


LAWYER: As executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read
Mr. Muldoon's Last Will and Testament.

HEDGE: Well, get on with it! The bars open soon.

JENNY: Oh, poor Arthur! Waah!

HANK: There, there Jenny!

RALSTON: How predictably boring.

MRS. MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man.

LAWYER: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.

RALSTON: I knew it.

HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah.

LAWYER: I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body --

HEDGE: That's a laugh! Hah, hah, hah, hah...

LAWYER: -- do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my
overly emotional sister Jenny --

JENNY: Waahh!

HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.

LAWYER: -- who grubbed with her husband Hank, grubbed for everything they
could get from me and then shed crocodile tears when I needed sympathy; to
Jenny I leave... a boot to the head.

HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah!

JENNY: A what ? (THUMP!) Ow!

HANK: Jenny, are you okay?

LAWYER: And another boot to her wimpy husband Hank.

HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!

LAWYER: Ah, but still, you are my sister. You have both admired my Rolls
Royce, and since I no longer need it --

JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!

LAWYER: -- I bequeath... another boot to the head.

JENNY: What? (THUMP!) Ow!

HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah!

LAWYER: And another one for the wimp.

HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!

LAWYER: Next, to my alcoholic brother --

HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head.

LAWYER: -- to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life --

HEDGE: I'm covering up my head!

LAWYER: -- I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey.

HEDGE: Really?

LAWYER: And a boot to the head.

HEDGE: (THUMP!) Oh!

LAWYER: And another for Jenny and the wimp.

JENNY: (THUMP!) Uh!

HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!

LAWYER: Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston --

RALSTON: This is so predictable.

LAWYER: I leave a boot to the head.

RALSTON: (THUMP!) Uh! I knew it.

LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp.

JENNY: (THUMP!) Ow!

HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!

LAWYER: This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Mulroy --

MRS. MULROY: Oh, ah, I don't want nuthin'.

LAWYER: -- who took care of me faithfully these many many years, who cared,
made me laugh, brought me tea --

MRS. MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind.

LAWYER: To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath... a boot to the head.

MRS. MULROY: (THUMP!) Oh!

LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp.

JENNY: (THUMP!) Ah!

HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!

LAWYER: And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire, vast... boot to the
head.

MITTENS: (THUMP!) Mroooow!

LAWYER: And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave
not a boot to the head, but a rabid Tasmanian Devil TO BE PLACED IN HIS
TROUSERS??? (growling...) Uhh! Huh! Huh! Huh! (panicking...) And, and, and
I leave my entire estate of ten million dollars to the people of Calgary so
they can afford to move somewhere dece